Bullies:
Understanding the Beast
The bully ignores decency, compassion, kindness, cooperation and compromise. His methods are disrespect, disregard and disdain for others’ suffering, dignity and rights, and cruelty.
What is it about grinding a fellow human being’s spirit into the gravel that is so satisfying? How can a bully, for no apparent reasons but the perception of vulnerability and opportunity, inflict such suffering and humiliation that the victim might rather be dead than continue to endure it? How can a bully get satisfaction from crushing the spirit of innocents?
There are two types of bullies: The Wounding-Wounded (common bully), and the anti-social. The first can come to recognize the damage they perpetrate, learn to empathize and feel remorse, and change. The anti-social is incorrigible: their pathology is that they feel no remorse, have, and can have no empathy. They are without conscience or caring. They can’t be changed or rehabilitated. The common bully is found everywhere in American society, but true pathological bullies are rare.
Bullies are opportunistic predators who use the illusion of power: posturing, cruelty and violence to control and degrade others, thus “proving” to themselves their own superiority. This behavior gives a clue to understanding the sickness. Understanding can give us perspective to deal with, and perhaps forgive, the bully for what she does. Understanding can help us to forgive ourselves for the weakness and shame one feels as the victim.
The bully is on a mission: Aggrandize the self. The “self” in question is spelled with a “little s,” for the bully is possessed of an especially little self. It has long been known that “hurt people hurt people.” Knowing the common bully is a weakling trying to prove his strength will not get us back our stolen lunch money; it will not heal the emotional wounds a victim can carry through life; it will not bring back a child bullied to, or beyond, the brink of suicide.
Common bullies are often created by physical, emotional and intellectual abuse (bullying). They can also be created through structural violence in society: racism, discrimination and poverty, the destruction of the softer side in the male, the insidious destruction of the self-esteem of the female who doesn’t fit Vogue’s cover-girl ideal.
The bully’s power lies in her ability to ignore or rejoice in others’ suffering and to justify her behavior. The bully either could simply care less about the hurt they cause, or get real joy and satisfaction from their “power” to render a victim powerless and prove him inferior. The “proof” of that power is the victim’s suffering.
A bully might make a “Darwinian” argument for their behavior and existence: To target, pursue and destroy weaker individuals in the herd, culling from the gene pool the weaker specimens, making the species stronger. This argument only works if aggression is more valuable, in the evolutionary sense, than sensitivity, kindness, loving, caring, and cooperation.
How do we deal with the common bully? What can you do for your child? How can you overcome your bullying classmate, spouse, boss, or coworker?
Remember that a bully acts from weakness and insecurity, exercising no compassionate controls. Understand this and you can at least forgive yourself for feeling weaker. Learn what behavior is sending the cue to the bully to prey on you. Remember that a bully must see results – your suffering, or he will move on. Can the circumstances or conditions be changed? Can you show a different face to the bully? Is there something you can do to increase your “personal power” without compromising who you are? Bring others to your assistance – a teacher, therapist, coach, manager, parent, or a friend. Remove yourself from the situation if the other conditions can not be changed.
Finally, and most importantly, forgive yourself for having been victimized. This will help you heal, while you begin to make the changes necessary to disempower the bullies.
Robert S Drake, MS has a Master’s degree in Conflict Resolution. He practices and consults in
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Email: Robert@robertsdrake.com
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